My Immobile Warrior
by tabythablabytha
Summary: The adventures of Ebonarm Evergloam Mania-Dementia Raven Whitestrake, her Mages' Guild friends, and their favorite musician, Germy Soul. Note that this is a TES-themed parody of the infamous fanfiction My Immortal and that I'm not actually that bad at writing. Chronicles the events of the Oblivion Crisis... sort of.


The beginning is a mite slow, sorry. That's how the original fiction was. I'm trying my hardest mmkay but it's 5 in the morning and I forgot to sleep last night. The story starts to deviate from My Immortal in the third chapter, which is below. And I can promise Divayth Fyr.

**_My Immobile Warrior_**

**Chapter One**

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im galythi) 2 my gf raven (nocturnal36) 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! T.H ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! GERMYSOUL ROX!

Hi my name is Ebonarm Evergloam Mania-Dementia Raven Whitestrake and I have a long ebony black sword (that's how I got my name) with purple streaks glued 2 my arm and icy blue eyes like limpid draugr and a lot of people tell me I look like Serana (AN: if u don't know who she is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Pelinal Whitestrake but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a galythi vampire nd I have pale white skin. I'm also a glenmoril witch and I go to a magic school called Arcane University in Cyrodiil where I'm a scholar (I'm seven hundred but I only look like I'm 16.). I'm a necroemancer (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly black. For example today I was wearing a black cuirass with matching lace around it and a black leather graves, pink loincloth and black boots. I was wearing black warpaint, white lead powder, black eyeliner and blood 4 eyeshadow. I'm a dark elf from vvardenfall but I had to leave bcuz vivec made me kill voryn and it was so depressing (yes im neverarine). This is th story of how I saved the world (again!)

So anyway I was walking outside Arcane Universty (A/N - going 2 call it AU from now on). It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of conjurers stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

"Hey Ebonarm!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Vicente Valtieri!

"What's up vicente?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to levitate away. (It wasn't illegal yet.)

AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

xXx

**Chapter 2.**

AN: Fangz 2 nocturnal36 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW conjurers stop flaming ma story ok!

The next day I woke up in the arc-mages' quarters. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood potion from a bottle I had in ma invntory. My coffin was black ebony. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant Germy Soule cuirass which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black thieves guild cuirass, a sigil stone necklace, black boots and black loincloth on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy mohawk (if ur wondering about the earrings nd hair, I'm a dark elf.)

My friend, Shade (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length raven black hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes (shes a forest elf). She put on her Molag Bal t-shirt with a black greaves and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black war paint and black eyeliner.)

"OMFG, I saw you talking to Vicente Valtieri yesterday!" she said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Vicente?" she asked as we went out of the Archmage tower and into the University ground.

"No I so fucking don't!" I shouted.

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Vicente levitated up to me (it wasn't illegal yet.)

"Hi." he said.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he said.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, Germy Soule iz having a concert in Kvatch." he told me.

"By. The. Nine. DIVINES!" I screamed. I love GS!

"Well…. do u want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped.

xXx

**Chapter 3.**

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY CONJURERES OK! odderwize fangs 2 da galythis ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN NOCTURNAL! oh yeah, BTW I don't own dis or da music of germy Soul.

On the night of the concert I put on my black boots with high heels. I felt extra galythic so I put on a ri[[ed red loincloth too. Then I put on my black nightingale cuirass with all this leather straps stuff on the back and front. I put on matching bracers on my arms. I straightened my mohak and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I pushed the adoring fan off a cliff. I read a depressing spell tome while I waited the fan 2 stop bleeding and I listened to some GS. I painted my face black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black war paint. I didn't put on lead powder because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the concert.

I went outside. Vicente was waiting there in front of his flying dragon. He was wearing a Mikael and Sven cuirass (they would play at the show too), black greaves, and nord-style eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

"Hi Vicente!" I said in a depressed voice.

"Hi Ebonarm." he said back. We walked into his flying black dragon (the license plate said aldu1n) and flew to the place with the concert. On the way we listened excitedly to Germy Soul and Meridia Mephala. We both smoked skooma and hist sap. When we got there, we both hopped off of the dragon.

I gasped.

Kvatch was gone! It was all fires everywhere and there was a huge portal there instead of a G-String concert.

Just then, someone came out from the city, leading a lot of people. I looked closer and gasped.

It was Aroding Fan!

"What are you even doing here!" I asked him. "U were supposed to be bleedint! Who r these people?"

"This is Matin Spetim," Adoring said. "He's going to be emperor. I'm saving him. Do u want to come?"

I screamed ! "YES I SO FUCKING DO U N'WAH!"

Well anyway then Vicente offered to take us all to Cloud Temple on his dragon, so we flew there.

"Martin Septimus is so fucking hot." I said to Vicente, pointing to him as he steered the dragon.

Suddenly Vicente looked sad.

"What's wrong?" I asked as the wind went through our mohawks seductivly. Then I caught on.

"Hey, it's ok I don't like him better than YOU!" I said.

"Really?" asked Vicente sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective-like.

"Really." I said. "Besides I don't even know Doc Marten and he's going out with Vivec. I fucking hate that little bitch." I said disgustedly, thinking of hir ugly gold face.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Vicente. After we took Martin and Adoring Fan to the temple, Jauffre let us be a member of the Blades, so we drank some beer and got really drunk to celebrate. Vicente and I crawled back onto his dragon, but Vicente didn't go back into Arcane University, instead he drove the dragon into... The Great Forest!

xXx

**Chapter 4.**

AN: I sed stup flaming ok ebonarm's name is ENOBARM nut mary su OK! VICENTE IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 da crisis ok!

"VICENTE!" I shouted. "What the fuck do you think you are doing?"

Vicente didn't answer but he stopped the dragon and he walked off of it. I walked off it too, curiously.

"What the fucking hell?" I asked angrily.

"Ebonarm?" he asked.

"What?" I snapped.

Vicente leaned in extra-close and I looked into his red vampire eyes which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn't feel mad anymore.

And then… suddenly just as I Vicente kissed me passionately. Vicente climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my cuirass with some difficulty and I took of his dark shirt. I even took of my loincloth. Then he put his dead vampire spear into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

"Oh! Oh! Oh! " I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body (I'm a pale dark elf bcause I'm a vampire) became all cold and numb. And then….

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFETCHRS!"

It was….Divayth Fyr!


End file.
